FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
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Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.