[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?