ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
You Might Also Like
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Easy enough.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Battery falling down a hole
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?