Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
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Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
“OMGJK” -atheists
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Taliband
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.