Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
At least try to make it slightly believable
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again