Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
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I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel