What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
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“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty