HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
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KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Discuss
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
definitely did not do anything wrong
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
love pickles so much i put myself in one
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.