driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
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Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Am I having a stroke?
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.