The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I just ran a .003048K
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
No regrets in 2018