me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
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Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
*skinny dips into black hole
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!