Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
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Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.