You make me want to be a better home and garden.
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Oh deer
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?