Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
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Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Tony Hawk, age 6
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
He just like my cat fr
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable