I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
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Candid photo of me, eating chips.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
What’s so funny?
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
#StillHurts
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.