When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
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Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares