Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
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Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order