My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
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Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.