The funk soul brother
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden