mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
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If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust