[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
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Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I don’t think my car can fly
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.