My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…