Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
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Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Hot Hot Hot
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s