[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it