Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
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If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.