‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
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“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
asking santa clause for nudes
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
This probably isn’t good
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
i smell a pulitzer
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.