it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
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Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Who wants to be my Valentine?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?