[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
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You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Sharon I have some bad news
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.