Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
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Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.