The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Every work call, he judges.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.