running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys