Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
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When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.