Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
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I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
🐕🍷
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
new record!
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”