Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
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“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I only say stupid things when I talk.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Whisper out to librarians!
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver