“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
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BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect