titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
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Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.