If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
gm
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.