My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
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mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
This a good idea
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it