I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Friday
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.