me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
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A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?