I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
You Might Also Like
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Why soy sad?
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!