“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
You Might Also Like
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.