my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
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SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
🤣✨#caturday
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy