Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.