Need this in my life lol
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*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.