After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
You Might Also Like
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.