My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
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Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.