I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
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Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”