I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
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I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Just as the prophecy foretold
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.