Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
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Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell